Listening to the heart

When I moved to Washington almost two years ago I applied to and got wait-listed for training to become a Certified Peer Counselor. Shortly thereafter, the move itself and ensuing uncertainty around housing and employment triggered major flashbacks to the chaos and dangers of my childhood and I fell apart. I became consumed with anxiety, fear oozing out of every pore of my body, and began losing weight. Lots of weight. And I wasn’t the least bit overweight to begin with.

I’ve shared in earlier posts some of the journey toward deeper healing through EMDR, work with a Certified Peer Counselor, therapy, yoga, meditation, and community. I had completely forgotten about my application to the peer counselor program and then suddenly…

I lost my job, and I was fine — able to trust that things would be ok. Then my therapist with whom I’d been doing the EMDR told me she was leaving the practice, and I was fine — again, able to trust that things would be ok. And then I got an email informing me that there was to be a training in the next month to become a Certified Peer Counselor and I’d been accepted to the program, which is paid for by the state. I got to spend two weeks with a roomful of amazing, incredible peers who had overcome tremendous odds to experience recovery in their mental health journeys.

I had no concrete idea of where I was headed with the combination of everything I was doing — yoga teacher training, meditation instructor training, and now the peer counselor program. I only knew that each of them felt like the right thing to do. I was simply listening to and following my heart. On the last day of the peer training we were addressed by three people from three different mental health providers in the community, each of them telling us about their organization and the work they do. All of them were hiring peer counselors. The first two definitely didn’t feel “right” for me, but when the third person walked to the front, right away my heart felt lighter and I knew, “There. That’s the place.”

I applied over that weekend and got an interview, even though I hadn’t taken/passed the exam yet. My interview was scheduled for the day after the exam (which I can now say I passed with flying colors), and was actually enjoyable due to the unique way in which it was conducted. At the same time I “graduated” from therapy and working with my own peer counselor.

But here’s the cool part: two of the questions were “What’s your favorite magazine?” and “If you could choose to be an animal, what would it be and why?” My answers were National Geographic, and a dolphin. The next day I was called for a second interview with the CEO. Then I had the weekend to wait before learning whether I would be offered a position. On Tuesday, when I got my mail, I was excited to see what had arrived: this month’s issue of National Geographic. The cover photo was a dolphin, and the lead story was about dolphins. I stood there looking at that magazine and thought to myself, “They’re going to call me today and offer me a position.” A few hours later, that’s exactly what happened.

Oh. And the position will include the opportunity to teach yoga and meditation in their Wellness and Empowerment Center. So here’s to listening to and following the leading and wisdom of your heart. It knows what you need, it knows where the world needs you, and it knows how to get you there.

May you have the courage and strength to listen to and follow your own heart.

Wild, wise woman emerging

When the Universe relieved me of my job in January, I decided to explore new possibilities and listen to the inner yearnings of my heart rather than frantically look for a job. Fortunately, for the time being, I have the means to do that.

For years I have longed to be part of a community of women unafraid of exploring their inner worlds and supporting each other in that process. By listening to and following my intuition I have come to a place filled with such women, and am finding myself lovingly supported in my own journey toward freedom and autonomy.

It’s amazing the effect it has on a person’s soul and psyche when the eyes you look into reflect back love, admiration, respect, faith and belief in you, and encouragement. Things I thought were long-dead within me are coming back to life, and while I’m still unemployed there is a path unfolding before me. I don’t know precisely where it’s going to lead but I know I have to follow it — and trust that something beautiful is happening.

Many women, and especially victims of trauma, have suffered serious injury to their ability to trust themselves and rely on intuition. I love this quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves:

The cure for instinct-injured women: “Practice listening to your intuition, your inner voice; ask questions; be curious; see what you see; hear what you hear; and then act upon what you know to be true. These intuitive powers were given to your soul at birth. They have been covered over, perhaps by years and years of ashes and excrement. This is not the end of the world, for these can be washed away. With some chipping and scraping and practice, your perceptive powers can be brought back to their pristine state again.” (Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.)

May you begin to uncover and restore to beauty the treasure within your own Soul.